****

“Have you ever…lost anything?”

She blinked at this apparent wrenching change of subject, then decided to give me the benefit of the doubt. “Sure, I’ve lost lots of - ”

“No. I mean…an important thing. Something that….that helps you get by. Something that you don’t even really know you have, and you use it over and over again…but then one day you go too far, and you lose it, and then you realise you can’t just get by anymore.”

To my own ears, and probably to anyone who happened to be spying on us, I sounded like a complete moron.

Fortunately, she decided to top me in the stupidity stakes. It still seemed she wasn’t sure what this had to do with anything, but decided to play along.

“Like a pair of shoes?”

I looked at her dumbly. “Huh?”

“You know. You have a favourite pair of shoes that you kinda take for granted and you wear them every day. You’re so comfortable with them that you barely realise they’re there until you’ve worn them too much and they break, and you have to throw them away. Then you feel angry about how you can’t walk anymore even though it’s really your fault…”.

She seemed to realised that she was aiding and abetting with what would doubtless end badly and fell silent. “Or something.”

I, for my part, decided that this was a far, far better metaphor than I could ever have managed, even though comparing him to a pair of shoes was beyond weird. “Yeah, like that.”

****

Project Sutra

Chapter two: Ignorance has its virtues

****

It was a rough day for the Leclair family.

So little had they actually done that day, yet they were all exhausted, both physically, and even more so, emotionally. Mrs. Leclair had been laid to rest earlier; a mother, a wife, one of the most important parts of the lives of two people.

Emiel hadn't seen much of Sutra, as she was the first one to bed. As much as Emeil grieved, the 17 year old boy worried about her the most. She was very close to mother, always vying for her attention, making sure she had good grades in school, even attempting to learn to cook. In fact, she had become rather competitive with Mother, even though the preparation of meals seemed to come natural to her. Sutra would probably be the one that hurt the most from this ordeal, and Emiel resolved that he would be there for Sutra, maybe even take over where mother had left off.

The young boy was cut off from his musings, as the door to his room was opened as quietly as it could be. At first, Emiel thought it was his Auntie, checking up on him, and was surprised when Sutra poked her head through the slight opening.

"Sutra?"

Finding herself discovered by an awake Emeil, a seven-year old Sutra timidly entered her brother's room. She stood before Emiel in her pyjamas, softly shifting on her feet as if trying to find what she wanted to say. Finally, after a few moments of silence, Emiel spoke again, "What's wrong?"

Sutra's face grew from meek to despairing, "Auntie wouldn't tell me."

"Tell you what?" Emeil sat up in his bed, and put his feet onto the floor beside it.

"Why mommy had to die."

Emiel felt as if a deep despair tried to rip itself from the pit of his stomach, as a comforting build-up at the bridge of his nose made itself known; a signal that he needed very much to cry. Emeil steeled himself, forcing his own emotions down to a manageable level, before replying, "God called for mommy, and she had to go." Though Emeil wasn't a Practising Christian, his mother was.

“Why did God call for her?" Sutra's face was sullen in resentment from having her mother taken from her, and demanded full answers to her questions.

Emiel could only shake his head, as renegade tears streaked down his cheeks; having escaped the prison of his eyes. "I don't know," the older boy whispered, before choking off into a sob.

"But what if God calls for you?" Sutra's youthful, yet mercurial face, once again morphed, this time into a childish, but valid fear.

"I..." Emeil almost broke down, but barely managed to keep himself speaking, "I don't know." Emiel bowed his head, while trying to still the shudders from his chest.

Sutra noticed her brother silently crying, though trying to hide it, and started to cry, herself, "Promise you won't leave me."

Emiel allowed reddening eyes to look up, as his sister, upon hearing her slightly sobbing plea. He remembered the promise he had just made to himself; about always being there for his sister, "I promise."

Sutra seemed somewhat placated, as her tears had stopped. Nonetheless, she was far from comforted, "Can I stay with you?"

Emeil didn't even bother to consider it; he felt like he needed the company, himself. He nodded, before shifting back into bed. Sutra quickly entered Emiel's bed with her brother, facing away from Emiel. Even though it was slightly crowded, they both managed to make themselves comfortable.

They both lay in the silent darkness; only their measured breaths seeming to remind one other of their presence.

"You promise you won't leave me?"

Emiel felt the need to wrap his arm around Sutra, "I promise. I will never leave you alone."

Sutra turned over, and looked into Emiel's eyes, as if making sure he was telling the truth. After a moment's time, a slight smile crossed the younger girl's face. Sutra suddenly shifted forward, and kissed Emeil on the cheek.

"Remember, you promised."

Emiel blinked, not sure what to make of the kiss. After an instance of thought, the elder boy decided it was harmless, and smiled, before replying.

“I will never leave you”

Emiel suddenly woke.

He had dreamt about the night they had buried their mother. Almost three months after there father. Their father had been killed instantly at the crash, but their mother had lingered on in the world in a coma before giving up after waking only once to say goodbye to her children.

He sighed and began to muse his dream but stopped suddenly.

Something wasn't right.

He strained and then he heard the soft crying in the next room.

He softly padded toward the room and peered past the doorway. He winced as he saw Sutra curled up into a ball and attempting to muffle her tears with a pillow. He looked around the room, it had mostly been returned to normal but the scars of his assault remained, mainly the covered hole in the wall.

He was sober now, and had been for a year and a half. The shock of seeing what he had done that day had shaken him back to his senses.

His recovery had been long and hard, but it had been successful, and after 6 months of him keeping a steady job, Auntie Corinne had allowed Sutra to move back in with him, at her request.

He had not touched a drop of beer since.

He laid a hand on the girl's shoulder, "Sutra, what's wrong."

Sutra jerked as she felt his hand touch her but other than that gave no sign to acknowledge his presence or question.

Emiel sighed and pulled a chair around to face where she lay on the bed. "No Sutra, neither I nor your problems are going to go away just because you ignore them."

The girl continued to sob as he patiently waited. It was several long minutes before she began to mumble past her tears

"I am not made of glass, I wont brake" she said. There was a slight edge to her usual sweetness.

"Enough evading the issue, I'm listening and I’m going to wait"

Emiel’s words were soft but forceful, and Sutra in her state conceded

"I miss them so much Emiel...."

Emiel closed his eyes and began to stroke Sutra's hair

"I know, I miss Mom and Dad as well...I had hoped you had forgotten it was the anniversary of Mother’s death. I didn’t want you upset..."

Sutra swallowed, remembering the day that she’d come home from elementary school to find her brother crying in the tea-room. Mother and Father had been killed in a traffic accident. A car had veered into them on a busy Tuesday rush hour on their way home from work. Her father died instantly, but Sutra’s mother had lingered on, and Sutra had to watch her slowly fade way.

Sutra could still recall the mixture of grief, rage, and guilt that she’d felt that day their mother had finally given up.

Grief, because her mother was gone forever. Rage, because she couldn’t help but feel angry both at the world for taking her mother, and at her mother for abandoning her. And guilt because of that anger, because she dared to be angry with her own mother for dying. It had been the ugliest time of her life, worse even than losing father. She had never fully recovered.

She had never even excepted their deaths, pushing it down to her core where it had festered until now.

"I could never forget"
Emeil sighed again
"Sutra, I kno-"

"I lost you to for a while...but your back now, just like you where before. You promised you would never leave me. Emiel, promise you wont leave again. Promise and swear on your life."

"But you where never alone, I was always here"

"Loneliness is not when you have no one around you," Sutra explained. "It's when you have no one around you who cares."

"I will always be here for you, that drunken moron will never return to hurt you. I love you"

Wondering what was coming, Emeil eyed her warily. Sutra looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears. Turning suddenly, she buried her face into the sleeve of his pyjamas and wailed.

Emeil twitched. This was new. Sutra had cried before, but never this hard. He guessed she has finally come to terms with their parents’ deaths, and was mourning them at last.

Awkwardly, he draped an arm around her. She seemed to take this as encouragement, and wailed harder.

He closed his eyes and held her tighter.

Sutra looked up at him as he tightened his embrace. She lent forward and kissed him gently on the cheek.

"Remember, you promised. This time will you keep it?"

Emiel blinked in surprise. After an instance of thought he smiled, before replying.

“I will never leave you again. I swear on my life.”

****

"So you lost him…but what’s that got to do with this?"

"Everything."

“I don’t understand. I’m asking for answers but all you give me is generic responses?"
"Your advice is not helpful, its mealy popular jargon. Your questions have no answers you would understand unless you played witness to the events you ask about. Just leave"
"I wont leave you alone, not while your like this, and doing these horrible things"

The images in my dream were vague, but unsettling. There was something, something evil, and it caused me to tremble. Then nothing.

And there is still nothing, so why should I care?

"These things I do are not horrible. You have not seen true horror."

****

Sutra Leclair stared up at the ceiling as she lay in her bed, her mind wandering. It had been an uneventful morning and she had been too tired to jog or work on her ROM project.

With Emiel and his friends away on a trip, things were actually somewhat boring at the moment. She glanced at the clock beside her bed and saw there was a couple of hours before lunch, so she decided to lie back and just lye for a few minutes before getting up.

Many things that had once been central in her life had changed drastically when Emeil had returned to his old self. Every once in a while, she would try to remember what her life was like before it and as time passed it became more difficult. Still, there were aspects of those days she doubted she'd ever forget and while they weren't all pleasant, they played a big part in who she was today.

Sutra rolled over on her stomach, resting the bottom of her chin on her folded arms. Sometimes she wondered how things would have turned out if Emiel had never come back. Would she have eventually committed suicide like so many others did in similar cases? Would she have waited years for someone she had once cared for so deeply to come back? The possibilities were limited back then. Nothing but worries and aggravation then.

Now the possibilities seemed endless.

It was an incredibly liberating realisation, one that would change her whole life for the better, or so she hoped.

Sutra slowly rolled over to a sitting position. She glanced around her room for a long moment, taking in everything, then stood up and walked over to her closet. She quickly pulled out a rather worn and well-used notebook, followed by a small Think pad laptop.

"I think I'll work on ROM a little while I'm relaxed, I need to enter the data for Onett tonight anyway so I can work on the Dead Wood data tomorrow"

She yawned slightly and walked over the her desk, placing all necessary items in a pre-orangeade place, sat down, switched on her laptop and began to work.

****

"WHY CAN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME!?!"

"DO YOU HAVE TO YELL?!?"

"IF IT GETS THROUGH THAT THICK HEAD OF YOURS THEN YES!!"

"WELL MAYBE I WOULD LISTEN IF YOU WOULD STOP YELLING AT ME!!!"

"WELL MAYBE I WOULD STOP YELLING IF YOU LISTENED!!!"

Why should I listen to you? You have nothing to offer to me except well-worn phrases that are only useful to a half-wit.

****

Burning embers floated high on the night wind to flicker briefly among the stars before flaring, fading, dying. Their dizzying dance twirled amongst the smoke and raucous laughter of boys as they drifted into the sky. As Lain, watched, one particular particle of glowing ash was carried away, then reversed direction as it was caught in an unexpected gust. It alighted upon a bare arm and was unconsciously brushed away.

"You sure you don't want one?" he asked, offering a bottle.

Emiel glanced at the bottle with distaste and shook his head. "You know I don't drink," he answered.

Lain shrugged and kept the beer for himself not entirely surprised. The mere fact that Emeil had showed up was amazing enough in its own right; to expect him to actually unwind, drink, and have a good time was probably asking too much.

Not that his attitude made any sense. Emeil had just suddenly stopped drinking a while ago, he had become far more serious and hardly ever went out, he was always at work or at home with his sister. This had been the first time he'd come away with them since he'd given up drinking.

He'd gotten a little boring in Lain's eyes, but he had to admit he admired his will power.

Lain was not an alcoholic as Emeil had been, he just enjoyed his drink. He had made friends with Emiel at there local bar while they where both leg-less. In fact, now he though about it, this was the first time he had seen Emiel sober. It was a little weird how the biggest party animal in all of town had suddenly become...normal.

What was the point of Emiel coming camping with the boys on a drinking weekend if he didn’t intend to drink with them?

"Hey, by the way -- thanks."

Lain blinked and turned to his friend. "Huh?"

"For, you know, inviting me," supplied Emiel.

"Jackass, why are you thanking me? You look like the world is ending."

He shrugged. "It might look like I'm miserable, but I'm enjoying myself"

"Really?"

There was a momentary pause, before Emeil continued in a low voice. "Yeah"

He got up and walked towards the tent and sat down, closer to the fire. He lent forward and held his arms out to it, embracing its warmth

Chidi walked over towards Lain and offered him a beer, which he took

"Hay, Chidi"

"Yeah?"

"Have a look at Emiel there."

"Yeah? And?"

"What d'ya figure he's doing?"

"I dunno," answered Chidi. "Looks like he's just sitting there. Why?"

"That's just it -- he's just sitting there!" said Lain, and fell silent. Chidi gave him a quizzical glance, shrugged, and returned to drinking and talking.

His friend remained fixated on the raven-headed boy's actions, or lack thereof. He's just kinda pulled back, Lain finally concluded, out of the group, out of the circle.

Why? Why not join in the conversation?

The other guys where still pals, and had been happy he had come -- they probably _wanted_ him to join in, and certainly would not refuse him! But he didn't.

Maybe he thought he was too good for them? Maybe he was bored? Maybe he simply did not care, did not even _want_ to be part of the gang?

But then he saw Emiel's glance up, give a sad, almost envious look at the guys as their voices rose in mirth and mock argument, and Lain knew that that could not be why. Well, whatever the reasons, Lain decided that, like it or not, Emiel was going to have a good time tonight.

"Yo, Tea total boy! You might not be up for drinking, but you sure as hell can play drinking games!"

Emiel looked up at him, and smiled wanly

"Hay, I'm not kidding! Come on! I challenge you to a burping contest! The first to finish the National Anthem wins!"
Emiel jumped up almost automatically
"No one can do MY party trick! "he yelled with obvious joy in his voice.

He began to do his party trick, really getting into it, disgusting as it was.

He didn’t touch a drop that night, but it was the best night of his life.

****

"Why dont you just leave, you not helping any"

"Yes I am, if I'm annoying you I'm at least delaying you"
What difference does another ten minutes make to this miserable world anyway?

"Do whatever you want then, just dont even TRY to get in my way or you WILL regret it"
Wow, aren’t I tough with a come back like that...

I'm so pathetic....

****

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession."

"Go ahead, my child."

"I took my husband's cigarettes and hid them where he can't find them...again. And--and...I walked in on him when he was with a patient. Deliberately."

"And why did you do that?"

"The patient was my sister Lilly"

"My child, we've talked before about these fits of jealousy you have. Other women will be his patients, but I do not think he would ever do anything to betray you. He sounds very fond of you."

"You're right, Father. I'm sorry."

"Well, I think 50 Hail Marys, 25 Our Fathers will do as penance."

"Yes, thank you. You have no idea how much this helps, Father. Sometimes I think I'm going to break down and scream in public, but confession and prayer always brings me back to normal."

"Go with God, my child"

“Thank you father”

Sakura left the confession box and returned to the inner church. There Maru and Shauni where stood waiting for her. She smiled softly at them as the seven and half year old Shauni beamed with pride over something.

“Mommy Mommy! Guess what!!” she squalled happy as she jumped up and down while holding her fathers hand.

“What is it Shauni?””
“I’m going to be in the church band!”
“That great news Shauni” Sakura spoke softy and her smile grew.

She glanced up at Maru whose eyes where glued to their daughter and sparkled with a father pride.

Sakura sighed and thought to herself that the priest was right. Maru was loyal and loving. He would never cheat on her.

I didn’t mean he was getting his cigarettes back though.

****

"An untroubled mind, no longer seeking to consider what is right and what is wrong; a mind beyond judgements, watches and understands."

“What are you talking about?”
“It’s a quote from The Buddha. I thought it would maybe make you understand why I’m doing this.”

“Are you saying your mind is untroubled? I’d have thought you doing THIS would mean the opposite!”

“That’s right. When I do this my mind is at peace. I don’t see it as right or wrong…I’m just doing it… to watch it.”

My mind is troubled all right, and I have no understanding of right or wrong anymore. I only do this because it’s the only thing that feels worth while. It’s the only thing I understand. I wish you could see that…but your mind is not narrowly focused as mine.

I have blinkers on…and there’s no going back…

****

Author’s Notes: Please mail any and all suggestions, complaints, praises, putdowns, etc. Contrary to popular belief, feedback is appreciated.

This chapter is kinda boring really, but its foundation for a change in Sutra and Emiel's outlook on life, and it allows me to put them in a functioning family setting.

The name Emiel is derived from Emil. Emil is from the Roman family name Aemilius, which was derived from Latin aemulus meaning, "rival".

Chidi means "God exists" in Igbo, which is African.

"Maru" is a common male name suffix used in Japan. I used it as a name here for the basic reason that he could be any type of male as his behaviour is going to be scrutinised a lot in this story by different people. For example ‘Sessho-maru’. Sessho means "cruel". Maru is the suffix for masculine names. Sesshoumaru could be translated as "killing blade". As Maru has several faces he has the common male suffix as his name, allowing you to add any part to the beginning. Its basically an overly complicated metaphor. Literally adding to his name to make him into the speaker’s view. In this chapters case he could take the name ‘Uwakimonomaru’. ‘Uwakimono’ meaning cheater, unfaithful person or adulterer. So his name means ‘Adulterer man’.

Sakura, Maru and Shauni are Roman Catholic (As I am). In every Roman Catholic Church you will find one or more small boxes, usually located in the corners. These are called ‘Confession Boxes’. The custom within the Roman Catholic Church is for people to confess their mortal sins to the priest inside one of the Confession Boxes to purify their soul and gain forgiveness from the priest in the eyes of god. This custom is called a confessional. Confessional’s are usually anonymous, there in the priest does not know whom if confessing to them.

Also note that the priests in a Roman Catholic Church (as in many faiths) are referred to as ‘father’. This does not mean the priest at the confessional is Sakura’s biological father. They are not related in the slightest. It may seem stupid that I have to point this out but you’d be surprised how many people don’t know that.

****

CHAPTER 3